You Can't Succeed By Hating Yourself: From Iowa to Paris and everywhere in between, I spent years feeling “not enough.” Here’s what changed and what it taught me about marketing.

For much of my life, I felt like an outsider. Too quirky for the kids who “fit in,” too traditional for the true oddballs. Neither especially artsy nor especially “preppy”—straddling what social scientists call a liminal space.

Jewish. Politically conservative (more Allan Bloom than Allen West but ok). Former cat lady. From Iowa. University of Kansas and University of Chicago grad. Conventionally attractive enough I guess. Not entirely stupid. Pretty funny. Square peg, round hole.

And it doesn’t help that DC policy, politics, and advocacy are rife with clout goblins whose confidence often outweighs their intelligence and output by a metric ton. Big egos trapped in polyester Calvin Klein dresses from the Macy’s near Metro Center.

It shaped how I saw myself for a long time—never smart enough, never working hard enough, not pretty enough. If only my arms were that much thinner. If only I wrote that memo that much better. If only I got one more fellowship or one more publication. If I publish about education in RealClear, they will respect me! 🙄

This became even more pronounced when I moved to France and started a business.

Looking back on when I started, I cringe at the 💩 sandwiches I let people serve me. The prospects who “just wanted a proposal with a few suggestions.” The endless “sales meetings” pumping me for free advice1. The “advice” that was petty digs. And the pièce de résistance:

John: “Let us know if you have any suggestions for promoting our programs.”Me: “Sure. I work with clients on marketing and comms strategy—with a focus on content and print media. It’s retainer- or project-based.”John: “We work with a PR firm already.”

Well, golly John!

After a particularly challenging week, I vented to a dear friend. She asked, “Why don’t you feel like everything you’ve accomplished is enough? You moved across the world, started a business, secured fellowships, and you publish.”

I replied, in my standard self-deprecating manner, “Because I have low self-esteem?” She paused. “That’s what I thought.”

And it hit me: I will not grow unless I like myself—even just a little. And the same holds for you and your organization. You must genuinely believe in yourself, your work, and your mission.

I work with people who went to the best law schools and PhD programs in the country; people who have achieved remarkable things—national publications, book deals, legislation passed, major legal cases won. A huge part of my job is helping clients see why they are great—and telling that story to the right audience.

I’m all for continuous improvement. Tweak, push, iterate, grow. But also—pause. Reflect.

The point isn’t that we’re already perfect or deserving of a participation trophy.

The point is compassion, self-awareness, and enough self-esteem to know that you’re worthy of success, that you can celebrate your wins, and that you can grow and learn without annihilating yourself.

If you don’t believe in your organization’s work, no one will. If you don’t believe in yourself, no one will. It took me decades to figure that out.

So as we approach year-end—and you’re drafting annual reports, board updates, and the rest—try this:

• List your organization’s accomplishments, big and small and look at your metrics. Where did you grow? Where missed opportunities can you learn from?

• Spend time thinking about your organization’s unique value and mission. Really articulate how you differ from your competitors.

• Identify 2-3 comparably sized, comparably funded organizations and ask: What do they do well? What tactics can we borrow? Don’t wallow in comparison, but get a few ideas. If you have a staff of 5 and annual budget of $1.5 million don’t compare yourself to a 400 person, $100 million juggernaut.

  
  

Don’t waste another moment hating yourself. Life’s too short. Once I started at least pretending to like myself, I signed a few new clients and have been better at supporting the ones I have. It saves hours when I’m not ruminating about whether I’m dumb or my ideas are terrible. Never mind the time saved by not having fake arguments in my head about why my plan won’t work.

✨Here’s my tip to save time and money: like yourself and like your brand—even just a little. It is the only way to succeed.

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